meant for something else

I have suddenly realized that I don’t know what it means to have a life outside of having a career. Somehow I have gotten it ingrained in my mind that to make a life means to have a job that you love. Perhaps it was my single mother’s hard work and independence that made me think that having a job to support yourself is the key to life. Perhaps it was seeing my brother wander through life without any care to the social norms necessary for independence that made me veer so far in the opposite direction. Perhaps it’s constantly hearing about people who know what they want to “do” and then who go do it. Perhaps it’s seeing and hearing people who hate their jobs but don’t try to leave them. Perhaps it is just my mind that created it all. My fear of being dependent on another human being, my introversion and apprehension to stray from the norm. Either way, something has caused me to place so much importance on finding a career I can be passionate about. I feel as if I spend 90% of my time trying to find that passion somewhere in life so that I can turn it into a career. I have read countless blogs/articles on “What I Learned from Losing 3 Jobs in Two Years” and “You Don’t Find Your Passion, it Finds You.” I read them hoping that I will find inspiration in something. That it will give me hope that if another person struggled and then found it, then so will I. And I hope that it’s true. Because I cannot for the life of me shake the feeling that I am meant for something else. It’s just what that something else is that I still don’t know. I am tired of hearing people say “you just can’t seem to land for some reason” and other similar sentiments. Well you’re right. I can’t land. But it’s not as if I’m not trying, people. I am not off galavanting and wandering the country or the world. I have a job. I live on my own. I pay all my own bills. And just because I am on my third job since I graduated college… that means I can’t land? If landing means settling in a job just for the sake of having a job, settling in a life just because I’m in it, then maybe I don’t want to land. If settling means putting on a constant mildly disgruntled face and just walking through life and not trying to make it better, then I don’t want that. And what’s more, I know myself, and I already know I’ll never be that way. It is not my mindset. And yet therein lies the contradiction that I face. I need to support myself and be independent, and yet I want to find my passion. I want those two needs to turn into the same thing because having a job is what I have learned means having a life. And even beyond that, I want to learn that having a job does NOT mean having a life. I want to find passion outside of work. I can’t seem to find it in work so far, so how can I find it elsewhere? I’m not sure. When I picture myself in the future I picture me being happy and enjoying life but it’s all so vague. There are no specifics on what is making me happy… what I can work on NOW that will help me get there. Now, this is not to say that I’m not happy now. But I am searching. I feel like I am always searching. So maybe I don’t live in the present as much as I should, so I could be happier by trying to do that. But sometimes I feel like that just means settling. I can’t seem to separate the two ideas. Living in the moment and settling. Are they not the same, in a way? Maybe there is a balance to find in all of this. Finding a career I can enjoy, but may not be my passion. Finding things outside of work that I love that can be my passion. Finding a way to live in the moment but still keep my eyes open for different opportunities. I’m sure that that’s possible… to find that balance. I am working at it, slowly, but let me tell you it is not easy. For some people it comes naturally, but for me it does not. And if nothing else, I hope that one day I will find the reason I can’t seem to land right now. That something else that I am meant for. 

one year

So this weekend marks one complete year of having my crazy Luna dog. (Also affectionately called Luney Tunes). It was not my intention to get a dog in 2013. In fact I had told myself most of the year that the plan was to wait until 2014 to get a dog so I would be done with the weekend trips back home to clean out my dad’s house. But my dog-less situation was weighing on me and I couldn’t resist looking up the pictures of the dogs on the local SPCA’s website. I started checking in about once a month, which definitely was not helping me stick to the plan. Not at all. And then, there she was. A beautiful little (big) great dane mix puppy. I wanted her immediately! My aunts always had great danes when I was growing up and so they are the dog of my childhood. I always loved the fact that their size made them so human-like. So down I trotted at lunch one day to check out the great dane puppy at the SPCA to see if she could be mine. Despite the lady telling me they didn’t think she’d get much bigger, her paws were pretty much the size of my head. She was big and goofy and so so hyper! I could barely control her and sadly the picture I head in my head of us prancing down the street like perfect little angels shattered. I took her back inside but before leaving the woman asked me if I wanted to check out any others and walk them. I agreed and went back to the kennels. As I walked through the deafening sounds of the dogs barking for attention I saw my little Luna. She was sitting so patiently at the front of her cage just waiting to be noticed. I immediately went to grab a leash to walk her and that was pretty much it. I mean, she looked at me like this:

But, I had to go back to work. I told some people that I was thinking about adopting her, but it seemed no one was as excited as I thought they would be. Everything was all: “You know a dog is a lot of responsibility” and “You can’t just pick up and go whenever you want” and “You know a dog is expensive.” Um hello, I know this. And I am glad I didn’t let people convince me I wasn’t ready. I picked her up and officially adopted her on Labor Day weekend of 2013! Yipee! We have had our ups and downs, haha, but I can’t imagine what I’d do without her. I’m pretty much obsessed and you can just go ahead and call me the crazy dog lady. Here is Luna over the past year:

Halloween weekend – Luna was helping me pack to go home by sitting on both of my bags. Plus, she put in contacts to be festive. :p

Thanksgiving – is the turkey ready??!  

We had a scare back in the fall when she had to be taken to the emergency vet and kept overnight on IV and oxygen! Scary, and they never figured out what happened. She was a bit lethargic for the next few weeks.

I got her a stuffed fox for Christmas and she was sooooo excited to get it…. and then literally tear it into shreds within seconds. I know what the fox is saying here…. 

🙂 

During her training lessons, there was a huge hole and it was a hot day…

 enjoying lunch on a sunny day

 

 

 

 being my model for practicing with my new camera

 

Hahaha!! I have so many more pictures of this crazy dog it is ridiculous. I have not once regretted getting her and now she’s my family. 

eats and reads

So the other night I spent way too long scouring Pinterest and planning out a menu through next weekend. I then went to the grocery store and have been chipping away at making the recipes for my menu slowly. What I made has been delicious so far! First I made an Eggplant Parmesan and then a Broccoli Salad with homemade dressing! YUM!! First, the eggplant parm…

I have tried eggplant exactly one other time in my life prior to this recipe and can tell you that I wasn’t a fan. I don’t know what it was, but I did not like it. But, I thought I would try it again because 1. why not? and 2. I’ve seen so many recipes on Pinterest and it always looks so good. So, here we go. I used this recipe here (with some minor adaptations) and was pleasantly surprised to have my opinion of eggplant turn for the better! 

Aww, look at my attempt to “plate” my food! Haha!! 🙂

Ingredients:

1 Eggplant – cut into 1/4″ thick slices

1 egg white

1/2 cup breadcrumbs

1/4 cup grated parmesan & romano cheeses

1-2 tsp Italian seasonings

Salt & Pepper – to taste

First, slice your eggplant into 1/4″ thick slices and pat dry with a paper towel. Next, in a small bowl lightly beat 1 egg white and set aside. In a separate small bowl, combine breadcrumbs, parmesan cheese, and spices. Take your slices of eggplant and dip into the egg white first, then into the breadcrumb mixture until completely coated. Place on a greased cooking sheet. Repeat with all the slices. Spray the tops of the eggplant with some Pam once they’re all on the sheet. Bake in the oven at 400 F for for about 15-18 minutes, flipping once. Each side should look nice and crispy when you pull it out. Serve with warmed marinara sauce (I used Prego). DELICIOUS! The downside, though is that this is not the best meal for leftovers as the eggplant doesn’t stay crispy when reheated, but the taste is still there and that’s what counts! 

Next I made the most delicious Broccoli Salad, which I found here. Now this salad probably falls into one of the top 5 salads I’ve ever had. Plus, I love that with salads you can literally see every ingredient in your meal – no surprises (hopefully!!) and no guessing what’s what. You can’t say that about everything out there, that’s for sure. 

Broccoli Salad and Homemade Dressing (with step by step photos! — I am kind of obsessed with taking photos of food…)

Ingredients for the salad portion:

2 cups of red seedless grapes, cut in half

1 head of broccoli, cut into small pieces

6 ounces of cooked farfalle pasta

6 slices of bacon, cut into small bits (I used eight slices, because bacon is one of God’s gifts to us)

1/3 cup diced red onions (dicing these was as usual the worst thing I’ve ever done in my life)

1/4 chopped pecans (pronounced pe-CAHNS, not PEE-cans as they say it around here 🙂 )

First, cut your grapes in half:

so pretty!! and a great start to this wonderful salad

Next, add in your chopped red onions and cut broccoli:

Next, your bacon, farfalle pasta, and chopped pecans. (Side note: I made the bacon in the oven, baking at 400 F for about 18-20 minutes)

that completes the salad portion, which I might add is tasty on its own. But now it’s time for the dressing!

Ingredients for the dressing:

1/2 cup plain greek yogurt

1/2 cup mayo

1/3 red wine vinegar

1 tbsp sugar

1/2 tsp dried thyme

salt and pepper to taste

looks kind of nasty actually. But mix together with a fork until completely liquid-y. This took a little longer than expected but turned out nicely!

there it is!!

And now, plate up and eat up! Just a note that with this dressing a little goes a long way!! 

AAAHHH! Look how pretty? Homemade broccoli salad with homemade dressing on my homemade bowl from pottery class last summer! YAY!! 🙂

 

Aside from all the food I’ve been attempting to make, I recently realized that I’m in the process of reading more books than I have ever read at one time. I used to be an avid reader in high school but read mindless fiction novels. Now, for some reason I have been more interested in non-fiction books but as a result I have picked up more than one at a time. 

One my current reading list:

I Am Not But I Know I Am – by Louie Giglio. A so-far-so-interesting book about God’s story and how we play a role in it

Kilimanjaro: The Trekking Guide to Africa’s Highest Mountain– by Henry Stedman. This one I am not really reading straight through, but more so browsing through. My sister and I have officially decided to travel next September to Tanzania to trek up Mt. Kiliminjaro!! I am so freaking excited. And yes, I have already been semi-scolded by a coworker who thinks I have no respect for my own health because of still planning to go despite the Ebola outbreaks in Africa. No matter your thoughts, so far the Ebola has not reached Tanzania that we know of and we’re going over a year from now so hopefully they will have managed to find some sort of cure or way to control Ebola by then – and much sooner ideally! Either way, it is something that will be done. I can count on my sister to do this with me. Plus, she already made it facebook official and we all know that means everything in the world. HAHA!

Now is the Time to Do What You Love – by Nancy Whitney-Reiter. I haven’t gotten too far into this one because the first couple of chapters so far she has assumed that the reader knows their passion and knows what they want to do in life career wise. That’s not the case for me so it is a bit of a deterrent, but nonetheless… it’s on the list.

The 5 Love Languages – by Gary Chapman. Still working away at this one. 

How to Work for an Idiot – by John Hoover. Still working away at this one, too. A very interesting read, though, on the different kinds of bosses in the world. 

The Omnivore’s Dilemma – by Michael Pollan. Definitely an interesting read on our food industry and the role the government plays in it and what it means for us and the food we put on our table (or our laps as we eat fast food in the car to wherever we’re off to in our busy lives). 

Just finished list:

There’s More to Life Than This – by Theresa Caputo. AKA the Long Island Medium. I love her show on TLC and even though I don’t have any experience with mediums I believe in what she does. This book was really good and is actually pretty insightful on the idea of Heaven and the kind of life we live on earth and why things happen the way they do. 

To Read List:

*This list extends much further than those listed below, but these books are already in my possession, thus they are listed here.

Let My People Go Fishing – by Yvon Choinard, the founder and owner of Patagonia. This one looks to be a super interesting read on the philosophy of the man who created one of the world’s most environmentally friendly companies

Grace for the Good Girl – by Emily P. Freeman. I wouldn’t consider myself a “good girl” necessarily and quite honestly I don’t have very much grace in life… which is probably why this book seems so attractive right now. 

The Four Doors – by Richard Paul Evans. “The Four Doors is Evan’s message to those who seek inspiration in their lives.”

So, that’s what’s on my plate right now! 🙂 

 

natural ramblings

I have been reading into some articles on eliminating (or drastically reducing) sugar intake. From people who truly give it up, there are crazy good benefits! And part of me is very interested in this idea. I need to do some more research to see how much I could truly give up. There’s sugar (and corn or corn products) in EVERYTHING! This would definitely require a lot of planning, and while I love planning – it’s the follow through that I sometimes fail at. Along the theme of yesterday’s post, I am kind of waiting to move first if I wanted to jump start something that drastic. It’s easier to justify when I won’t be wasting the food I currently have. But in the meantime, I am trying to approach food as something that fuels my body, rather than an in-the-moment source of pleasure and boredom buster.

So, tonight for dinner I had planned on making Zucchini Boats for dinner, but was disappointed when I discovered my zucchini had gone bad. So, my first thought was, NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I had no other food besides that damned zucchini! I looked at Luna and thought (aloud) I guess the only option is to go out. I came to my computer to sit down and google Panera Bread’s menu and look at the calories. Now, I eat Panera way too regularly, but I was hoping to find something better than my usual choice (um, have you tried the Fontina Grilled Cheese Sandwich!!?!!?!?). Then, I remembered that food needs to fuel me and I had frozen veggies and rice that I could have instead. And heading back into the kitchen I then remembered I had one avocado and a can of chickpeas. TA-DA. Meal idea!

Avocado, Chickpea, Feta Salad

1 small Avocado – peeled and diced

1/2 can of chickpeas (garbanzo beans) – rinsed and drained

Feta to taste

Pepper, Garlic Powder and Lime Juice – to taste

It was delicious and filling!! 

In another attempt to live a less processed life, I decided to make my own laundry detergent. I’ve done this once before probably about a year ago so I still had all the ingredients left. And, as I have about maybe one load left in my expensive-as-crap Gain detergent, I figured it was time to get back into it. I used this “recipe” here. It smells so good, and so does the laundry! 

Also, I am waiting on some items to come into the local organic market so I can make my own face wash recipe! 🙂 And since I had some face breakouts thanks to a cheesy casserole dish I made and ate a couple weeks back, I decided to make my own toner, too: 1 part Apple Cider Vinegar mixed with 2 parts witch hazel. I am not using ACV “with the mother” because I bought whatever Food Lion sells, so I think when I run out I’ll get a better version. Also, you can add in some Lavender Essential Oil, but I didn’t have any on hand. I don’t mind the smell too much, knowing that it’s making my skin feel better!  

It would be nice to eventually phase a lot of the chemical/processed stuff out of my life and make things myself. It’s so much cheaper, too. But like many others I get sucked into the promises of advertisements and celebrity endorsements. I know that it’s difficult, especially since I used to seek out infomercials for skin care and fitness products and try to convince my mom to purchase every single one of them. 

But, no more! I feel good today knowing that I made good choices for food and drank about 12 cups of water to help flush out the bad stuff, too. If I can make every day like this one, I think I’ll be good. Little steps and just remembering to make good choices!

two hands, one beating heart

I have been feeling pretty uninspired the past few weeks. Uninspired with work, with myself, with life in general. As a result I’ve been spending time reading and trying to get re-inspired by something. There are a lot of changes I want to make with the way I’m living life, but I feel stuck in this rut. Like I can’t change anything until I move to a bigger city, until I have a different job. Which is ridiculous. I know it’s not true, but still I can’t seem to jump wholeheartedly into anything right now, knowing how much I want to just start again… somewhere new.

But this is the circle that I’ve been on since high school. I wanted to go to college out of state where I knew no one. I had this fear that I would latch onto the few people I did know and wouldn’t put myself out there to be open for other opportunities and experiences. And after college I’ve basically done the same thing, but with career paths. I am in my third job out of school and each one has been totally different. I have leapt into each one hoping that it would become my passion, convincing myself that it could be… until it became routine and I realized it wasn’t fulfilling. I’m on my search for path number four as we speak. I have an idea about it, but that’s all it is. And I have the fear that in a year or two I will be right back here, at the point of beginning.

In all of this, I am starting to believe a few things, though. First, everything happens for a reason and is part of a bigger plan that I don’t know. I’m starting to think that this wandering (seemingly aimlessly) could even possibly be the point of it all: To learn that my home is not external, but it is internal. It doesn’t matter what city I live in, or what job I hold. I must be happy at home in myself if I ever want to be happy outside of that. And, that we are the same. Every one of us. Strip away the money and the fame and what you’ll find is the same: two hands, one beating heart. We all have the same wants: to be better than we ever thought we could and to love and be loved.

I am currently really digging this youtube video montage with an excerpt from a speech by Jim Carrey. If I listen to it enough, maybe it will become part of me? I don’t know much, but if I keep moving forward and trying, it will be the sweetest moment when my path finally folds out before me.